How to spot a crazy driver !!

It's been a long time i wrote a blog and what good time time to write one after coming from a death ride...yeah just recently i had the rare opportunity to sit beside the self proclaimed "Psychal Shoekhakar" and believe me it was no less than sitting in Essel World's THUNDER....Our crazy driver could actually beat the NMMT, ST, BEST, TMT all put together in terms of rash driving.....After this ride i now clearly knw what the phrase "to have your heart in your mouth" means.

So here are some personal tips to spot the future Lewis Hamiltons:

1. The speedometer has stopped working cos you r way beyond the max limit.
2. He drives at 80 Kmph in places with a people density of 1000 per nanofeet.
3. He gives a sinister smile every time he overtakes another car.
4. He assumes the car has air brakes n it will come to an instant halt wid d slightest push on brakepad.
5. He shows middle finger to old ladies walking on road.
6. The traffic cops run away after seeing ur car (they just dont wish to get run over).
7. Ambulances and Fire Brigade makes way for you to pass.
8. He has a relieved look on his face as if he has had 2 kg marijuana for breakfast.
9. At the same time he is so restless dat u think he might b suffering from loose motions.
10. He asks for Red Bull instead of usual cutting at the hotel.
11. You pray something like this in the car "Dear god I wont ogle at girls from now on but please let me reach home unhurt" or "I don wanna die a virgin!!"

Hey wat u doing tomo evening..?? (Part 1 )

“Hey wat u doing tomo evening” asked a gal sitting infront of me in ED class.. I knew this gal .. asked her for an eraser in the last class but this question seemed a lil odd for that kind of acquaintance.. Like all self respecting guys I first ensured that it was me she was talking to… see left then right and then cross the road(give an answer in this case)…aaa hmmm nothing ya just will go to the gym and see a movie or two I replied..(ya ya I lied.. but I had my reasons..saying making chits for Monday's electronics class test would not have sounded cooler)…oh which movie u planning to see was the next question.. aaaa hmmmm…now now what movie do I say to show that I am sweet, sensitive and have a good sense of humour and not look like a gay.. god this is tough I thought.. Dil chata hai I said …now that was a safe answer to give .. 3 friends with different character.. one of them was sweet, one of them sensitive and one had a great sense of humour… “WOW..!! that’s one of my favourite movies ”she beamed.. I just love aamir khan… oh ya..... I just love myself.. kya answer diya maine.. surely vivas shouldnt be that difficult i thought..

“Hey wanna catch up for the new amir khan movie.. Rang de basanti….” She continued..

Aaa hmmmm.. why not I said ..I have heard great reviews abt the movie and aamir khan is my favourite actor..(sorry shah rukh .. she likes aamir.. meri kya galti hai).. ah great she said.. just pick me up from hostel tomorrow.. 6 o clock would be fine.. and yaar tickets ka dekh le… tomo being a weekend.. its better u get them today itself..chal then cya tomo..!!bubye..!!

And then there was this moment of silence.. I closed my eyes.. guess wat dude I told myself .. tomo is ur first Date..!! U the man..!! it was like diwali , holi, Christmas , new year all at the same time.. felt on the top of the world.. chalo now its time to show off… Where the hell are friends when u need them the most..saw my class mate standing near the coffee shop.. I casually walked upto him and asked.. “yaaar RDB dekhi hai kya..?? howz the movie..?? ”… “hmm pata nahi yaar ” he replied back.. “kyun..?? ” he asked… then I casually told him that I will be going tomo to see that movie and hoped that it wasn’t too sad for a DATE… DATE he shot back… u going out on a date…?? With whom..?? is she frm our college..?? blah blah.. Somebodys ass was on fire..!! mission accomplished I told myself and went back home..As expected the news spread very fast through my despo friend circle.. Now asses were on fire..!! lifes good..!! :) :)

All characters in the story are fictional.. Any resemblance of any kind to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental.. :)

And you say dont move your leg !!!...

It was 23rd December, 2009 7 PM....We (me, mummy and papa) had reached the venue at 7 pm 'sharp'....

A flashback from December 14 came to my mind when he said "Be here at 7 PM SHARP and we would get it removed." It was the seemingly cute looking small black wart on my beautiful feet that he was talking about.

Another flashback and i went in October 2009 when the warts (yes plurals (there were 2) and not the singulars!!) had just shown up on my feet. They looked anything but harmful, let alone painful. I thought it was just some speck of dirt on my feet but it never went away even after washing it with phenyl, cif, Mr. Muscle, Pitambari and even by concentrated H2SO4!! And then in few days it started showing its true colours...

The black spot started paining as if i have stepped on a nail. The pain grew over time and it became way too much for me to handle. And then i decided enough was enough, i got up and went straight.......................................to the bathroom and peed (come on nature calls cant be barred or kept on waiting for too long!!, but then i saw dettol in front of me which gave me a flop idea...I poured some dettol in a tub of hot water and kept my feet in it. It didnt help a bit as expected with my super flop ideas. I again rose and went to the doctor but as u all know how lucky i am, the clinic was closed...I went to another doctor and he refered me to a skin specialist...

And then i was at the docs clinic, he prescribed a lotion a cream which cost me 660 Rs. and he took a hefty 250 Rs himself...but he said we may still have to remove it by RF....And he was so correct the warts never got any better and he finally gave an appointment to remove it on 23rd December....

A few footsteps woke me up from my mini slumber, the clock showed 7:15 pm, a fat woman entered the clinic with her gunda like husband...for a min, i got scared that he was hijacking the clinic...just then he thrust his hand in his pocket...clutching the sofa i thought he is gonna remove a revolver...but he removed 230 Rs....His wife went into a Radiation Room and locked the door..Blue light was seen coming from the room..dono what was happening in it...

And then it was 7:35 and the doctor finally arrived and i was called in....The machine or whatever was kept there looked like what they show in films to give shocks to mental patients....i laid down on the bed trying to bring some positive thoughts...and then he thrust the local anesthesia right into the first wart....I cud see Yamraj in front of me...the pain almost killed me...i should have taken a general anesthesia to take the local anesthesia....and just when i thought the torture was over he thrust anoder shot of the injection in the second wart...I now saw myself standing at the gates of yamraj....

Chanting hanuman chalisa in mind i thought now that the anesthesia has been given i wont feel d pain...but as usual i was wrong...The doc started the procedure and with the soldering ion he burned a hole in my feet...i could feel intense heat in my leg and moved a bit...Just then he said "dont move your leg.."...In my mind i said "Damn it you burned a hole in my feet just now and u are saying dont move..???!!!"...I tolerated the pain and mentally prepared for another round of crash and burn....He did the same on my second wart and this time i didnt move much as instructed...The procedure was finally over with he dressing up my wound and cleaning up blood..I got up and sat on the chair and thought to myself finally the chinese torture is over...But i was wrong again he said i need to take TT injection....I almost fainted with the thought of another needle being thrust into my body......

A True Novintelite

You are a true Novintelite when:

1. You start your regular emails with "Hi" and end them with "Best Regards."
2. You lock your home PC.
3. The password of your home pc is the default password you use at office.
4. Words like chabana, gyaan, bamboo, raag, tochan are a part of your dialect.
5. You love fridays the most.
6. You carry a jacket and shawl to the office.
7. You drink the most useless coffee/tea 10 times a day.
8. You dont buy products of certain brand just because they are your competitor's.
9. You are excited to see the ad of the company that you follow.
10. Your sense of humor is dead and u laugh at rubbish jokes made by Prashant B.
11. And finally you are the truest Novintelite when every alternate day you feel like putting down your papers ;)

An Ode to YO - The Rockstar

YO - the rock star, superstar, angel, sweet heart, a gem of a person came in my life on November 10, 2008. Instantly on seeing her for the first time i could make out that this gal is special. as always i was right...my first teacher at cheers she taught me the most pathetic and dreaded service and learning wid her was so much fun..This girl is a deepika reincarnation maybe even better..shes one hell of a bindaas girl...Some excerpts from her conversations:

Ordering food from aswaad:

"arey uncle cheers main ek vada pav bhejo...ogita nahi yogita...(arey tumhari maaki) ...wokay."...
"ha do samosa bhejo cheers main...samosa nahi hai...band kar do dukan apni (mayo)."..

to swati:

"kya laya modak...mujhe bhi de...khatam ho gayaaaa...julaaab..isi colour ka julaab."...

when someone does some ch%^giri:

"which school which college."..."kalyan no"..."how down market."

To me:

"arey bawekoof" ..in mind "chu#$% sala." "hag dis"..."nahi chabao".."ummm the tym"..."allah apa mera pakit!!!!"..."aley chimu"..."tum ganne ho"..."aurat""haraaaamzade"

This girl is total timepass...her company is d best in d world...wid her awesome lingo and dialogues its super fun to be wid her..an avid fan of amitabh bachan, this girl can make anyone n everyone laugh...she has been a pillar and stood by me all the way in cheers...shes the best problem solver and the strongest shoulder to cry on...although frustrated wid most of d things in cheers its amazing to see hw she remains cool at all times...maybe "total relaaax...relax in d body...relax in d mind" helps her to stay sane..even hours spent wid her pass like seconds..wid her amazing masterful jokes u can only laugh n laugh until ur atadiya pains...Shes a big bollywood fan and keeps on muttering..."mere karan arjun ayege...main le ayi hu main le ayi hu....aaaoooooooo...banaya bada maja aya..darling de naaa"...


YO u truly rock...Inshallah i wish u get all that u need in life...I wish u all d very best in ur future endeavours and wish u luck to get out of the hell asap wid my budhiya...Dont even change a bit coz u are the best...stay precious hamesha....and keep in touch...ill truly miss the mad mad days wid u...cheers and tc

Sholay 3020

It’s the year 3020, GM and Chrysler have already gone bankrupt. Boeing has taken over big time, no one uses cars now, people use aeroplanes these days for visiting a nearby mall. Lets move to Peninsula High Security Prison located in Scotland. James and Vellu, two best friends, brilliant structural engineers, framed in a bank robbery, are sitting in their cells talking about how to escape. By the way this is the strictest prison in the world, no one has escaped alive from here. But James and Dave come up with a master plan. And since we don’t have enough time for the entire “Prison Break” story, lets skip it. They are out and come to India, the super power of the world.

To stay safe they go to Alibaug, a lesser known village in Madhya Pradesh. And while they are sitting in a hotel munching chole bhaturey, an apparently beggar like guy with no hands comes and sits beside them. The alleged handless beggar has someone for company as well. James takes out a rupee and offers the old man. The beggar shouts that abbey bhikari samjha hai kya, is area ka thakur hu main. James, realising his mistake apologises. The beggar is none other than Thakur baldev singh of Alibaug and his accomplice is Ramu kaka. Thakur tells the boys about how Robber Gobar Singh and his friends looted his family and killed his son. James n Vellu almost cry. But then they ask what do you want from us. Thakur says I want Gobar killed. Vellu laughs and says boss we are engineers and not bhadey ke tattu. Thakur smirks and says I know your credentials, make a perfect plan and execute it and I shall give you 20 million rupees (by the way 1 RS now equals 200 USD, so that’s one hell of an amount). James and Vellu discuss and decide lets do it. So thakur gives him his address and says a plane waiting outside will take you there.

James n Vellu step in the plane to find a beautiful girl as its pilot. Vellu, being a flirt sits besides her and talks rubbish all the while. James on the other hand is busy making some serious plans to outwit gobar. The gal’s name is Basaunty, a charming gal with no flying skills at all. Finally after listening to Basaunty for 2 hours non stop, Vellu faints. Thankfully, they are almost near Thakur’s residence. Vellu and James are allotted a small room in the big mansion of Thakur’s. They sit for days and nights to work on the plan. In the meantime, Thakur’s widow daughter in law, Jaya brings them chaas daily. Our James falls in love with the girl. Vellu too falls in love with Basaunty. Finally, being engineers they develop a superb plan and kill Gobar Singh and his fellow robbers. And both the heroes are married to their respective girls and live happily ever after.

Life eej a Hard!!!!

It was raining very heavily that day in Zumri Talaya, a small village in Honolulu. Champu (our hero by the way) was heavily drunk as usual. He was on his 1950s Atlas bicycle riding at 20 Kilometres per hour (don’t ask how he can drive so fast…remember our man is drunk he can fly as well). And as it was raining so heavily and he was so drunk he lost his way and went straight into a rice field. That field had a well. Okay now please don’t think that he lost his balance and fell into the well, this is a Prashant Bankar story and not Ekta Kapoor’s. Now as it was raining so heavily he though of standing under a shed adjacent to the well.

As he sat under the shed and gulped down another desi tharra bottle, he saw a young woman, maybe in mid 20s, slim, fair, and beautiful. Oh yes, he also saw two bullocks roaming in the field and a tractor. Don’t even dare ask what the bulls were doing in that field. The woman was shouting at top of her voice, “Let me die, let me die.” Now obviously our hero was moved by her plight and he moved forward to help her. He pushed her into the well. Oh come on don’t get emosanal now, Champu is just helping her, remember what she is saying let me die, let me die, like a pure gentleman he fulfilled her wish, well he almost did. But then 5 men holding sticks came from behind thrashed champu and saved Champa (our heroine who wanted to commit suicide). And while champu was beaten black and blue he looked into champa’s eyes and immediately the Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge song started in the background (now come on there’s no zumri talaya any where and this is a filmy story so any thing is possible). So the song went like this, “Tujhe dekha toh yeh jana sanam..blah blah.” No brownies for guessing that right, Champu had fallen in love with Champa. Apparently, even Champa had fallen in love wid him, love at first sight you see. And the two were separated.

Now by this time you are dying to know what happened to them, but before that let me tell you a little about Champa and Champu. Champu was a poor farmer’s son, an I.T. engineer by profession and by now its clear why he started drinking heavily. Recession: he lost his job, he lost his house and started remaining unhappy. Its not that our hero didn’t try to regain his life. He tried hard, very hard in fact. He had almost convinced a rich girl to marry him, a money lender’s daughter. He even asked for a hefty dowry. But the money lender refused and said I have four daughters and one son and a lazy housewife. He said, “I shall give you 15,000 rupees per year for next 10 years, chalta hai toh bol.” But our hero, swabhimani na, said, “Itna income toh hum mahiney main Ramlal ko detey hai.” But money lender wouldn’t listen, he said, “if you want to get married to my daughter, ghar jamai banna padega.” Champu said fine I don’t mind. But no, god didn’t like champu’s happiness. The rich girl he was about to marry now refused saying, “main aise aadmi se shadi nahi kar sakti. Nahiiiiiiii!!!” And since then, Champu started drinking even more and look now he is in the rain field getting beaten by some unknown goons. Now about Champa, why the hell you want to know about her, typically Indians you are. She lived in a nearby city by the way and worked as a popcorn seller in a cinema hall.

That’s it, the story is over. Now all stories don’t have a happy ending. This is a Hollywood story.